Change requires courage, but the result will be completely worth it, writes life coach and Change Strategist, Amanda de Lange.
If life could be compared to a body of water, surely we would want ours to be likened to a rushing river instead of a stagnant, mosquito-infested pond.
Right?
It sounds easy enough, but living through major changes can be intimidating and extremely challenging. It can cause us to want to go ostrich style and stick our heads in the sand, ignoring the situation.
Of course, that would not be helpful at all. But, rest assured, if change – even small and seemingly insignificant ones – makes you nervous, you are not alone. Psychologists have long explained that we fear change because of the uncertainty it brings. And, as the popular podcaster and author Tim Ferriss[1] says, people would rather be unhappy than uncertain.
Elmien Claassen, Practice Lecturer, from the Department of Social Work and Criminology at the University of Pretoria, says the top three reasons why people are averse to change is the fear of the unknown, the belief that they are not able to face new challenges and, lastly, predictability is perceived to be better than unpredictability. [2]
Yet another reason we fear change is the possibility of loss, explains Scott Mautz, author of the books Find the Fire and Make It Matter. “We also fear change because we fear that we might lose what’s associated with that change. Our aversion to loss can even cause logic to fly out the window … fear of change is no ordinary enemy.”[3]
If no ordinary enemy, how do we deal with it? Especially since the alternative is stagnation … remember the pool of smelly, mosquito-infested water?
“We need courage to overcome the fear of the unknown; to stop overthinking everything – and sometimes just have the courage to take the leap, which will lead you into wonderful new places that you would never have been if you stayed in one place,” says Claassens.
Chip Ingram, Founder of Living on the Edge, says we are not always motivated to change and grow.[4] “Sometimes we get discouraged and feel uninspired. For others of us, we go through a time of change and we just don’t know how to cope. We need guidance.”
According to Ingram, people who break out of those “barriers of personal stagnation” have a few things in common. He points out three things present in their lives:
Firstly, people who are moving toward growth, live daily with the end in view.
Secondly, they make a personal commitment to grow, and thirdly, they value process more than they value an event.
Ingram then adds, “Growth starts with small steps.”
“Make small changes, which will help you to feel safe before tackling bigger ones. Surround yourself with friends that are open to face change themselves, and set personal goals which will challenge the status quo in order to help you stretch yourself,” says Claassens.
Why do we need change?
If we want a happy life, one in which we can fulfill our potential and reach our goals, whether personally or professionally, change is not really optional.
Claassens explains, “Change is necessary to get us into situations and environments which will help us to understand ourselves as well as the potential we have in different contexts – not just the familiar context you find yourself in currently. To live the status quo can be very limiting for you as a person, and you won’t learn to live a resilient life.”
A willingness to change will enable us to better adapt to the current changes in South Africa, change in general and change specific to the environment, says Claassens. “You will evolve as a person, and learn you are capable of more than what you think. If you grow constantly, you will also bring that growth into the team you are a part of professionally.”
The things that will hold us back
“Though we like to think that we have evolved far beyond our ancestors, we still react to change in the same way: we either fight or flee. Unfortunately, neither reaction usually bodes well for successful change or the mental and physical health of those involved in that change,” says author and psychiatrist Dr. Jim Taylor, in an article describing obstacles that will prevent change or hamper it.[5]
His advice is that you can improve your reaction to change “if you can understand and prepare for what lies ahead and approach the change in a positive way. The more you can identify, understand, anticipate, and prepare for a coming change, whether marriage, divorce, a new child, a job transition, the better you will be able to benefit from the changes that lie ahead. In other words, the less likely you are to fight or flee from the changes.”
Taylor advises the following: Switch your thinking from “something different” to the “new normal”; from “threat” to “challenge”; from “unknown” to “known” and lastly, from “uncontrollable” to “ownership”. In doing this, the threat of change is removed and it is turned into an opportunity.
Where to start?
It seems experts agree that for change to be healthy, lasting, successful, and empowering, we need to enter into it with the right attitude. That means a positive mind-set, as well as a willingness to engage in the process and do whatever is required to reach the outcome we are hoping for.
Change doesn’t happen by itself. It often requires a different way of thinking about ourselves, about our circumstances and about the world around us.
Taylor says the most difficult part of changing our life involves exploring our inner world. [6] According to him, true change cannot just appear on the surface or on the outside of who we are. We need to know why we need the change as well as what the things are that are holding us back. “You need to ‘look in the mirror’ and specify what the baggage, habits, emotions, and environment are that are keeping you from your goals. Understanding these obstacles takes the mystery out of who you are and what has been holding you back. It also gives you clarity on what you need to change and gives you an initial direction in your path of change.”
Discomfort with the current status quo can also be a huge motivator. Sometimes, the only way in which change will occur is when we get to a place where our frustration with the way things are, far outweighs our fear of the unknown.
It is far better, however, not to wait for things to reach this point. Waiting for disaster to strike will cause you to address the situation, but thinking pro-actively and seeking solutions and opportunities to change long before that will leave us with a lot more peace.
Steps to positive change
In my approach to coaching clients through major personal change, I have identified five important steps to work through the upheaval and challenges that change presents.
Firstly, we need to look forward. For any change to be successful and lasting, we need to leave the past behind. All of us know that we need to let go of the bad things, and even though this may at times be hard to do, we understand it is necessary. What we do struggle with, is leaving positive and enjoyable things behind.
But sometimes we need to leave what is good behind to move on to what is great. And then there are those times where we need to leave behind what is great to move on to what is exceptional. When we cannot do this, we will stay stuck in the process of change until we can let go and move forward to the new things waiting.
Secondly, facing major change requires of us to be brave because of the uncertainty it brings and the unpredictability that more often than not accompanies it.
During major change and periods of extended transition we need to be willing to face whatever it is that scares us, whatever it is that makes us want to turn on our heels and head back in the direction we came from.
If, however, we continue to run away from that which scares us, we will falter even before we had the opportunity to embrace the first challenge on our path.
So: Run toward, no matter daunting it seems.
Thirdly, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Our instinct is often to close ranks when we are struggling because we want to hide our weaknesses. We feel stronger when others think we are strong and successful. But, to hide the fact that you are facing immense challenges during your transition will hamper the process of change.
How does the saying go? “No man is an island …”
It is never truer than when you face major change in your life, whether it be on a personal level or professionally. Wisdom would advise you to surround yourself with those who will help you design the kind of healthy armour that will protect you and bring you into places of greater strength.
When you constantly try to hide your weaknesses, it becomes problematic in that you become so focussed on the perceived “fault line” that you cannot focus on your strengths. The result is a weaker you. Be with people who are willing to see your weaknesses as something that can be built upon and not as something to be used to break you down.
The next step in this process is to look at recurring issues. When you are in the midst of major
change, you might often be confronted with the same things. For example, you might have believed you dealt with issues such as fear and uncertainty when it suddenly rears its ugly head again. This is probably because there is another underlying root cause that brings it to the surface.
You then need to go back to it and deal with it again. And you repeat this process until you have cleared out that piece of land in your inner life and removed all the roots relevant to the recurring issue.
We also need to understand that navigating through a transition into major change is a landscape littered with challenges, possible mistakes, and even failures. Make peace with it; it is a part of the process. Every challenge, every mistake and definitely every failure presents you with an opportunity not only to learn but to grow. Do not allow them to hold you back or to prevent you from trying again for fear of failure.
When you attach your value personally or professionally to external successes, you immediately devalue yourself. Success, for the most part, will first manifest in your inner life, and only after it has been cemented thoroughly internally, will it start to manifest outwardly, in your life circumstances.
This is why recurring issues must be dealt with as they arise.
When you approach it with that mindset, you have won a huge part of the battle.
In the fifth place, we need to deal with the responses and reactions toward this process from those around us. As I have said before, major change can cause great upheaval and many a challenge in our life. It might not be a pretty sight. And it can take a toll on those close to us.
Our family, friends, and even close acquaintances want to see us happy and doing well in life. They will find an extended time of hardship difficult to deal with. We need to deal with this fact.
The hard truth here is that some of them might step back from you at this time, especially if your transition is very trying and painful. But on the other hand, life has a way of bringing to you what you need. In the place of those who took a step back because they found your life too painful to deal with, there will be those who step forward to take their place.
Be okay with that. Don’t resent, forgive. Focus on what you need to do to get you through your transition into a healthy, sustainable and empowering change. And embrace them when they come back to find a whole new you, with a whole new set of circumstances, so that they can enjoy this new loved one, who had grown and healed so much.
Lastly, we need to also look at practical issues. The best way to approach major change is with a good strategy in place. You want to work out a road map of sorts, starting from where you are and taking you to where you want to be. Think of it as a road trip, say between Johannesburg and Cape Town. Figure out the route you want to take. Work out how much petrol will be, take into consideration toll fees and other expenses that might occur along the way.
Be aware that there might be unforeseen circumstances on route. Do you have a spare in case of a flat tire? Is your insurance up to date in case of an accident? Where might you sleep over if something happened and you had to spend the night somewhere?
These questions are all metaphors for your journey as you transition through this period of major change. Know this: life will throw you with curveballs. Don’t expect a major process of change to be a smooth ride. There will be challenges you have prepared for and there will be challenges that are so unexpected, you never even considered them.
It is during these times you need to especially bear the previous points in mind. You will reach your destination. The trip might just not work out exactly as you planned.
It might even be better.
Reward
“Experiencing change is a good way to learn what you have locked inside of you. It reveals some characteristics you did not know existed within you, and will probably also show what you are capable of,” says Claassens. “I see that as empowering, as that you are harnessing your full potential by steering into change.”
Dr. Jim Taylor agrees with this assessment: “There is an immense pay-off for your commitment and efforts at change: A life-altering shift in who you are and how you think, feel and behave. A new direction that your life will take … finally moving toward achieving your life goals. [7]
Each one of us bears the responsibility for our growth and our healing. We need to be willing to step out, be brave and tackle what is needed to get us to where we want to be.
No one else can do it for us.
We cannot expect others to work harder on our goals, desires, healing or need to change than we, ourselves are willing to do.
Now, off you go.
Change!
References
[1] The Four Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss
[2] Personal interview
[3] https://www.inc.com/scott-mautz/science-says-this-is-why-you-fear-change-and-what-to-do-about-it.html
[4] https://livingontheedge.org/2015/06/15/how-to-break-through-barriers-of-personal-stagnation/
[5] https://www.drjimtaylor.com/4.0/saturday-evening-post-column-4-steps-to-making-change-an-opportunity-not-a-threat/
[6] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201201/personal-growth-five-steps-positive-life-change-and-the-big-payoff
[7] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-prime/201201/personal-growth-five-steps-positive-life-change-and-the-big-payoff
